Radical Self-Care

Radical Self-Care

• Self-Care
• Self-care: caring for self in order to care for and connect to world
• Giving from a place of having.  Essential for balance and serving others.
• Base of self-care: the body
• The body is wise.  Has so much information and wisdom to tell us, if we are listening.
• Patience = love; be patient with the body to love it wholly
• Enemy of self-care: the mind
• Most pervasive addiction in the world: thinking!
• Over-thinking: self-addressed chronic pain
• Do we see ourselves as responsible for our own care?
• When we spend energy we don't have, the result is resentment, illness, and withdrawal.  Giving from a place of having is sustainable; giving from a place of lack is not.
• Dis-Ease
• Disease = dis-ease = body telling you something needs care and attending to.
• Illness is information.  There is wisdom in disease, and dis-ease (dukkha).
• Energy of resistance is hardest to contain.
• Inner vs. Outer Perspectives
• Inner perspective: basis of self-care, creativity, and of outer perspective (self-care externally, i.e. massage)
• What energy are you bringing to the world?
• "Self-care without awareness becomes selfishness."
• Awareness: we can choose whose music we dance to.  Bringing attention to why we do what we do, our motivations and intentions for our actions.
• Self-care cooked in awareness sauce
• Self-Love
• Can I increase my own dose of self-love?
• Love from a place of need is begging - ugly, painful, unsustainable.
• Begging: need --> begging (demanding)
• Love from a place of having is passion, connection, joy - beautiful, sustainable.  Creates interconnection.
• Having: need --> [awareness --> presence --> acceptance] --> requesting
• We are entitled to our own care.  This is our inheritance since the day we were born.  Modeling self-care is how we spread love; trickles down.
• Explaining, justifying, and defending are signs that we are not in touch with or sure of the care we need.
• Showing up as a cared-for person shows our loved ones that we are okay.
• Showing is more fluent than speaking.
• Show up cared for.  Set parameters for how much you can give that day, and give no more.  Never give with the expectation of changing someone.
• Having clarity sends message: don't mess with me!  Condition our interactions with clarity.
• Self-care and self-love are choices of free-will; if someone else doesn't practice self-care, we can't change that, nor is it our place to!  Thus, we accept their choice.
• Relationships
• I have 50% of the dance in any relationship.  How I show up, I can change; how they do, I cannot.
• If I can't change it, can I change my relationship to it?
• The more we expect from others, the more disappointment and frustration we incur.
• Love cannot be ordered or expected, only exchanged or shared.
• 80% of what we need should come from us, ourselves.
• Expect as little as possible from others.
• There are many ways to provide what we need for ourselves.
• Clarifying what you need is a gift to all!  Mainly, to yourself.
• "How can I give myself what I am yearning for?"
• Practicality of Self-Love
• Protection (protecting myself) is part of self-care, as is clarity; recognizing what does not serve you.
• We all need to take parental custody of ourselves.
• "Spiritual activism": "I am found and everybody else is lost"; ego-based.
• We must come from a place of acceptance, or we are coming from a place of resistance.
• GPS: "from where?"  Anywhere we go, we must come from acceptance.
• Huge act of self-care: lovingly saying no.
• Loving, kind, and firm.
• The person who says "no" actually has meaning when person says "yes."
• In a "boundary-full" way of living, we can determine healthy "yes" or "no"s for us.
• No unhealthy "yes" is sustainable!
• "No" is our inheritance, too; it is our right.  Free-will!
• 3 C's of saying "no": clarity, communication, consistency
• Reactive decision making --> awareness decision making
• Always take time to respond.  Space between question and answer to connect with yourself and consider what you need.
• Authenticity is honest and sustainable, and a gift to ourselves and everyone.
• When you value yourself, saying "yes" to good things for you is easy, natural.
• Right and responsibility to take care of ourselves.
• Perfectionism vs. Doing Our Best
• Letting yourself up.  Perfection doesn't exist!
• Illusion of adult life: "perfect" = done.  We are never perfect!
• Changing from concept of "being perfect" to doing your best.
• "Perfect" keeps you anxious; "doing your best" settles you, because this is achievable.
• Because of impermanence, "perfect" does not exist, but "best" does.  Relative and always changing.
• "What is the best I can do right now?"  This question does have an answer, because it takes into account conditions.
• Perfection and control entail no change, but change is everything, thus these things cause suffering.  Impossible, illusory.
• We can't do more than our best, anyway!  So, enjoy doing your best and rejoice in this ease.  "Best" is reality, possible.
• Perfection/control = resistance/suffering
• "Our best" = seeing the truth of life and growing with it.
• "We are suffering in our blessings."
• When we don't push, we allow ourselves to be human.  This is when we create, this is when we are productive.  This is when we grow!  Exhausting ourselves does the opposite.
• Comparing is discouraging; inspiration encourages!
• Take-Aways
• Do: pause between question and answer; check in with self, answer authentically
• Be: clear about what I need
• Word: authenticity and clarity.
• Three points:
• My neurobiology is plastic; I can change it!
• Perfection and control are suffering.
• Taking care of myself is the best way to care for others.
• Answers arise when we ask the right questions.
• Most thoughts are reactions; don't believe everything you think!
• Integrate mind and gut (body)!  Mind in gut holds inner wisdom.

• Practices
• Self-Care Check-In
• Noticing: bringing awareness to state of self and current needs
• Asking self: "What do I need?  What am I yearning for?"
• Reflecting: "How can I provide this for myself?"
• Giving self radical permission to accept, embrace, hold room and space for all of self and what is present.
• Beyond solving needs, learn and grow from them.
• Writing Exercise
• "What do I need?"
• "What do I feel trapped in?"
• "Am I really trapped?"
• "What are my options?"
• "How can I provide myself what I need?"
• What do I need to say "no" to?
• Asking yourself and writing down the answers to:
• What do I need to say "no" to?
• If I were taking care of myself, what would I say "yes" to?
• What do I need to accept about myself?
• note: "accept" doesn't mean "not change"

Notes from MARC Day of Mindfulness: "Radical Self-Care," led by Mitra Manesh, April 7, 2018.