Mindful Self-Compassion

Mindful Self-Compassion

  • Self-Compassion
    • Self-compassion: radical love for and understanding of the self that acts as a window to compassion for all of existence
    • 3 components: mindfulness, common humanity, and kindness
      • You are never alone in what you feel.
  • Loving Kindness (Metta)
    • Loving-kindness: quality of love and care for self that emanates out to all beings
    • "Be careful what you say to yourself; you're listening."
    • Re-orienting our brains toward kindness.  No expectations, merely cultivating kind wishes.
    • Good loving-kindness phrases let the heart rest.
    • Asking, "What do I need to hear?" and "How can I provide that for myself?"
    • Play with creating meaningful LK phrases.  ex:
      • "May I know that I am more than enough just as I am."
      • "May all beings know that they are more than enough just as they are."
  • Stages of Self-Compassion Practice
    • Cyclical:
      1. Striving
      2. Disillusionment
      3. Radical acceptance
    • Meant to accept things as they are, not to change them
    • Practice meditation as an act of love.
    • "We are here to embrace imperfection."
    • "I am not okay and you are not okay, and that is okay."
    • We aim to befriend ourselves as we are already.
    • Goal: to be a compassionate mess!  (Embrace being a mess - it is freeing.)
    • Why we meditate: to be with what is with love.
    • Asking, "What can I let go of?"
  • Self-Care
    • Notice the little things you do for yourself to take care of yourself.  Appreciate your self-love, self-compassion.
    • ex: making small adjustment to make body feel better, feeding self, exercising, smiling, making choices for your wellbeing, saying no when this is better for you
    • When "should" arises ("I should be this/that, doing this/that"; voice of "I'm not good enough"): notice how it feels in your body, notice the label, breathe in the discomfort/pain, breathe out kindness.
    • When you wish things were different, that is when it is time to invite in self-kindness.
  • Core Values: Living Deeply
    • Goals are set by us, but values are discovered.
    • Core values are authentic.  Not "should," "be."
    • Core values are already within you.
    • When we feel out of whack, something regarding our core values is out of whack.  Getting in touch with our core values can set us back on track.
      • "Stay close to the resentment - that's where the information is."
      • Bring kindness to the parts of us we may wish to resist.
    • Asking, what gets in the way of connection?  What gets in the way of me acting in line with my core values?
    • True compassion is connection.
  • Dealing with Difficult Emotions
    • Listening to your discomfort and seeing what it has to tell you.
    • "Walk slowly, go further."
    • Asking, "How much do I need to dive into this emotion?"  (Can be serving to say "not now" or offer a milder version)
    • Titrate suffering in our lives so that we may work with it
    • 5 Steps of Accepting Difficult Emotions/Feelings:
      1. Resisting
      2. Exploring
      3. Tolerating
      4. Allowing
      5. Befriending
    • 3 Ways of Meeting Difficult Feelings:
      1. Labeling: "name it to tame it"; limbic system/amygdala --> PFC
      2. Find in body: "if you can feel it, you can heal it"
      3. Soften, soothe, and allow: soften around emotion, soothe ourselves, and allow emotion to be there.  "Soothe": what do I ned to hear right now?  (ex: "I care about you")
    • When immersed in emotions, soften around the edges, find the edges in your body, find the space.  Engages the thinking brain.
    • Self-compassion as Step 1 to safely be with what is happening
    • RING
      • Recognize
      • Investigate
      • Neutralize: use a neutral anchor to toggle
      • Gently accept
    • "The only safety lies in letting it all in."
  • Dealing with Difficult Thoughts
    • "Your mind is a garden, your thoughts are the seeds.  You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds."
    • Shame
      • Connects us to all other humans; is innocent, is temporary.  Goal of shame is to connect us.
      • Hope for love is the flip-side of shame.
      • Arises because everybody wants to be loved.  Wish for love unites us.
      • Connotes self-blame, feeling like we're doing something wrong, even when we have nothing to do with what we feel at fault for.
      • Guilt: "I made a mistake," about what we did
      • Shame: "I am a mistake," about what we are
      • If an emotion feels sticky, is there a vein of shame within it?
      • Negative core beliefs can be bases of our shame; ex: "I am inadequate."  Ouch!
      • Self-compassion is the antidote to shame.  When sense of self is under attack, we need self-compassion.
      • Silence maintains shame.  Name it to tame it.  Turning towards it lets us process the shame.  Tell yourself what happened out loud, and see what shame you can let go of.
      • Shame is closing, narrowing; love is open, freeing.
      • "I am not perfect, but some parts of me are excellent."
      • Shame can be deep - extract it, verbalize it, work with it with kindness.
    • Doubt
      • When the time is right, turn towards the doubt/pain and see what it tells you.
      • Wisdom counters doubt.  Don't believe everything you think!
  • Dealing with Difficult Relationships
    • Pain of Disconnection
      • Anger as an alarm system - something is wrong!
      • Compassion = result/productive expression of anger
      • When anger calcifies, it corrodes the vessel that holds it.  Here, anger not helpful anymore.
      • It is okay to be angry.  Allow and validate anger.
      • What underlies the anger?  Protecting soft feelings, and at core, unmet needs.
      • Our needs are universal, legitimate, and worthy.  We are all connected.
      • Anger is purposeful; helpful when we can change a situation.
      • Meet soft feelings (like shame) and unmet needs with compassion.
      • You are worthy of feeling your emotions!
      • Forgiveness
        • "Forgiveness is giving up all hope for a better past."
        • Choosing not to hold onto that which corrodes us.
        • Recognize that all acts are results of causes; conditions always arise and change, we can choose to let go of the clinging, not hold on.
        • Intention to forgive and protect yourself, especially when it is time to let something go.
    • Pain of Connection
      • Another person being in pain is painful to us; empathic care connects groups/individuals.
      • Mirror neurons.  We catch emotions.  We can trigger downward spirals, but we can stop them, too.  Give self compassion to alleviate/stop spiral, "I am okay," and then you can help the other.  *Put on your own oxygen mask first.*
      • Compassion Break
        • Mindfulness: "This is suffering."
        • Common Humanity: "This is universal."
        • Kindness: add kindness
      • Need to be good as self to be able to care for others; keeping self stable helps loved ones.
      • Empathy Fatigue
        • Need more self-compassion - compassion ("I can hold this") vs. empathy ("I feel this")
        • Empathy can exhaust us; compassion rejuvenates us - energy, dopamine
        • Compassion feels good.  Emotional resonance.
        • When "stuck," use compassion and equanimity to expand space, to make us un-stuck.  (Teaspoon of salt in cup of water vs. in lake)
      • People will catch what you radiate.  Helpful to radiate suffering and misery, or to radiate calm, love, light?  Hold space for suffering/misery; savor the rest.
      • Everyone is on their own life path.  We are not the cause of others' suffering.
  • Enjoying This Human Experience
    • Savoring
      • Enjoying this human experience!
      • "Gratitude is the texture of wisdom."
      • Gratitude is contagious!
      • Practice of giving ourselves permission to enjoy things.  "You have it; might as well appreciate/enjoy it!"
    • Self-Appreciation
      • Appreciation of self and all of the qualities you have and who/where those came from
      • Recognizing/appreciating our own beauty = recognizing/appreciating humankind
      • You can be the catalyst of the upward spiral.
      • Give yourself radical permission to live out and externalize your good qualities!
      • "As we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same."
      • Bodhisattva vow: the vow to alleviate suffering in all beings, self included.  Leaving out self = leaving a sentient being out of the equation.
  • Main Take-Aways
    • Find the mindful self-compassion moments throughout life.  Portable practice!
    • Taking care of myself is taking care of others.
    • Common humanity: every experience is a shared one.
    • We are all recycled energy; all water on earth is the same as it always has been!  Interconnection, universal connection.
    • Give self permission to be compassionate toward self.
    • Enjoy, savor, appreciate all of the causes and conditions that have led to right now, to you.
    • We are never alone.
  • Practices
    • "Discovering the Compassionate Voice": Our Self-Critic
      • The self-critic is trying to protect us in some way - keeping us safe.
      • The inner-compassionate self wants to do the same.
      • Motivating behavioral change with a kind voice rather than with a harsh/mean critical voice.  Hard to be motivated by the latter!
      • Saying, "Thank you, inner critic, for wanting the best for me." (even if the results have been unproductive)
      • Welcoming in the inner-compassionate voice: "I love you and I don't want you to suffer."
      • Practice: writing letters to yourself from your inner-compassionate voice
    • "One for me, one for you"
      • Include yourself in the infinite ocean of compassion.
      • Compassion must start with the self; you need to be resourced to give.
      • Breathe in: one for me
      • Breathe out: one for you
      • Breathe in: compassion for me // nourishment for me // care for me
      • Breathe out: compassion for you // nourishment for you // care for you
      • Giving what you need to yourself and others.
    • WAIT
      • Ask yourself:
        • Why
        • Am
        • I
        • Talking?
    • Silver Linings Exercise
      • Suffering is how we learn.
      • Think of a past situation where you did not get what you initially wanted.
      • Think of a silver lining that arose from this situation.
      • Bring in appreciation for the fruits of what once felt like suffering.
      • See the lessons: change to expectations can be the best thing; suffering engenders growth.
    • Compassionate Friend Visualization Exercise
      • Visualize a person/friend who you consider to be the embodiment of compassion.  Listen to what the friend has to tell you.  Feel how they treat you, hold you in your time of need or suffering.  Notice that this person is within you.  You can be your compassionate friend.  Self-compassion is within us, always.
    • Savoring Loving Kindness Exercise
      • Spend a few breaths on each person, whoever pops up, sending them loving-kindness.  Start with yourself, go back to yourself in between different people popping up.
      • Another practice: "thank you" to whoever comes up
      • Remembering: so many beings have sent us LK throughout time, and so many beings are sending it to us now.  Open to receiving the abundant LK that is always surrounding and within us!
    • Gratitude Practice
      • Start day and end day by noting 3 things you are grateful for.  Write them down.  Will change your brain and neural pathways!  Orients toward gratitude.
    • "Sense and Savor"
      • Walking meditation.  Stop, stay with, and savor what you notice/enjoy.  Then, move on.
    • Compassion Break
      • Mindfulness: "This is suffering."
      • Common Humanity: "This is universal."
      • Kindness: add kindness



Notes from Mindful Self-Compassion, taught by Angelike Dexter, Feb 13, 2018 - March 13, 2018.

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