III: The 3 C's (Confidence, Courage, and Control)

Confidence, Courage, and Control

  • Confidence and Doubt
    • Doubt
      • Doubt: mental state which obscures clear thinking; opposite of confidence.
      • Fifth hindrance in Buddhism; turning obstacles into allies
      • Muddy water analogy: doubt obscures clear thinking (shaken up, cloudy, mucky glass); let it settle to work with what is there (dirt settles at bottom of glass and water can be seen through clearly)
      • The truth of doubt: doubt is a mental state
      • The untruth of doubt: "This is real and I believe it!"
      • Liminal/transitional/uncertain = uncomfortable for us; space where doubt often arises
      • Certainty feels good, but is of course impermanent
      • One of the most helpful approaches to doubt: get help, support, and perspective from another; self-talk also helpful
      • Most helpful: recognizing we are caught in doubt
      • Draw on our own innate wisdom!
      • DOUBT the DOUBT
      • Decision-Making: There is no one "right" answer!
        • It is okay not to know.  Being okay in the liminal state.
        • No decision can be the right decision.
        • Practice of compassion; embrace ourselves as imperfect
      • Certain amount of doubt is healthy
    • Confidence
      • Confidence shifts; non-linear process of doubt --> confidence
        1. Outside reliance - others say it is good for me
        2. Verification - I've practiced and I know it's good for me
        3. Embodiment - it is good for me
      • How to get better at...
        • Meditating: to meditate
        • Teaching: to teach
        • This cultivates confidence!
  • Courage and Fear
    • Courage
      • Courage: strength of the heart in response to challenge
        • Coeur: "of the heart"
        • Courage: "rage" of the heart; when heart charges over all else and prevails.
      • ***You do not have to wait until you are free from fear to act.***
      • "Each condition I flee pursues me; Each condition I welcome transforms me."
      • Meditation cultivates courage.  It takes courage to sit with yourself and meet what is present.  Takes courage to be willing to work with our "demons"; opposite of distraction/running away.
      • "Practice as if your hair is on fire"; to remove defilements/affliction, practice fervently, passionately; first defilement to go = doubt in the practice.  Practice takes courage.  Practice is courage.  "Urgency" to connect to our present experience.  There will never be this "present" again.
      • Courage inspires more courage, just as mindfulness inspires more mindfulness.
      • Courage is essential for a meditator; we don't want to NOT meet (resist) what is there.
      • Working to increase our tolerance for discomfort.
      • It can be courageous to persist OR to step back; listen to the inner wisdom.
      • Courage requires motivation.
      • We meet challenges for the sake of accomplishing what we value.  Worth the courage because we believe in it.
      • Half the battle is showing up.  Takes courage to show up.
      • Courage requires fear; turning fear into action.  Disidentification helps!
        • Embodying courage without getting lost in our stories
      • Can be courageous to retreat.
      • Learning to counteract tendencies toward fear.
      • The more we cultivate courage, the more courageous we become.  Courage builds upon itself (neuroplasticity - reinforced neural networks grow stronger).
      • We are courageous all the time; recognizing this courage, even little bits, cultivates more, builds more.
      • Courage to Be Ourselves
        • Bringing love and compassion to the parts of ourselves that we feel don't have courage
          • Identifying our limiting story/label and recognizing how we can bring courage to this; I don't have to carry this label forever, and I don't have to carry it now!
        • Being a whole person, recognizing and accepting all of you.  Courage to be with all of yourself.  This is self-compassion!
        • FALSE IDEA: there are parts of me that are not acceptable.
          • ANTIDOTE: I fully accept myself.  I am fully acceptable.
          • "All things are perfect just as they are, and they can use some improvement." -Zen saying
        • Working with our "shadow material"
        • Labels restrict our courage.  Find the POWER in who I would be without my stories.
          • Childlike curiosity to forgo labels
        • Notice: my courage is everywhere!  Courage is everywhere!
          • Perceptual confirmation: what we look for, we will find
          • Courage builds more courage!
        • Power + Support = Courage
        • Non-attachment to outcomes; "acting without attachment to the fruit of our action" (Bhagavad-Gita)
        • Grow out of passion; "this is what I want to see/do/be at this point in my life"
          • Keep the channel of motivation open
      • Feeling the fear but acting anyway builds courage.
    • Fear
      • Opposite of courage; that which gets in the way of/blocks courage
      • Anxiety = subset of fear; bodily manifestation of fear
      • Worry = subset of fear; mental manifestation of fear
      • We are wired to respond to threats, real or imagined.  Danger = having much greater fear response than threat warrants.  Fear in absence of threat.
      • 85% of what we worry about doesn't happen!
      • Fear can be helpful; motivating force.
      • Identify: helpful fear vs. trance of fear
      • Mindfulness is the way out.  What we want is control of the fear.
      • What we fear is almost never as bad as we think it will be.
      • Fear requires a future; ask, "Where am I now?"
        • Titrate; let air out of "fear balloon" slowly
      • Coping with fear: anger/denial/attachment/aversion vs. courage/faith/confidence
      • Courageous to open to the parts of ourselves that we fear.  Confronting what we may fear confronting = lifting the Wizard of Oz curtain
      • Courageous to be with what is uncomfortable
      • Faith is an edge of courage
      • Being the carpenter vs. the gardener of others, of ourselves, of our lives (fix vs. growth)
      • Something that feels like it's about someone else: is it actually about me?  Turning back the lens on ourselves.
  • Control
    • The courage to let go of control
    • Desire/attempt to control often arises out of aversion, worry, vulnerability
    • Trying to manufacture and manipulate outcomes = contrary to courage to be with things as they are (courage to be with reality)
    • We try to build a world to maintain "good."  The problem: this doesn't wholly work.  We cannot control.  Control is illusory; things are always changing; control denies the reality of life.
    • The human project: trying to control the uncontrollable
    • The 8 Worldly Winds (Buddhism)
      • pleasure / pain
      • gain / loss
      • praise / blame
      • honor / dishonor
    • We tend to go toward the positive and run from the negative, but one cannot exist without the other.  Resisting the negative only results in suffering.  Pain is inevitable with pleasure.  Loss is inevitable with gain.  Blame is inevitable with praise.  Dishonor is inevitable with honor.  The low points make the high points!
    • Idea of "conditional happiness": "if ____, then I will be happy" = setup for dissatisfaction
    • Bringing mindfulness into how we try to control/change our experience.
    • Being happy is not about getting the pleasant thing; contentment comes from accepting reality.
    • Noticing the way we set ourselves up to feel pleassant.  "Tone of pleasantness" = 1) feeling pleasant, 2) desire to sustain.
    • Not bad that we do this; we don't want to suffer.
    • Bringing courage to face reality as it is.  The more we do this, the better we get at it.
    • "I don't have control; I can just let it be."
  • Five Hindrances (Buddhism)
    1. Craving -- countered by mindfulness
    2. Aversion -- countered by faith
    3. Sleepiness -- countered by energy
    4. Restlessness -- countered by concentration
    5. Doubt -- countered by wisdom
    • Practices
      • Spectrum of Awareness
        • Focused awareness      <--->      Choiceless awareness      <--->      Natural awareness
          • Anchor                   //         Flexible anchor                 //     Awareness as the anchor
          • Mind wanders, bring it back // Notice where the mind wanders to // Notice awareness
          • Start @ most focused, move across -->
      • Mindfulness Tools for Difficult Emotions (i.e., fear)
        1. Identify triggers
        2. Bringing mindfulness to fears in the moment (elicits courage, okayness)
          • RAIN
          • Connect to body; resource; disidentification (sidelong glance)
        3. Cognitive reframing
          • Mindful reframing; enlisting the wisdom part of our mind
        4. Loving Kindness, Compassion, Equanimity
          • Cultivate positive emotions and qualities
        5. Natural Awareness
          • What would be here if fear weren't?
      • Cultivation practices: 
        • Cultivating Courage
          • Think of a time you were courageous; how did/does that feel?  Now think of a situation in which you need courage, or feel like you don't have it, and transfer that courage from within yourself.
        • Cultivating Inner Wisdom
          • Think of someone who you consider to be the embodiment of wisdom (could be someone you know or someone you don't, like Dalai Lama).  Think of an issue in your life that you would like this person to weigh in on.  Notice the advice, notice what the person says.  Say goodbye to the imagined image of this person.  Now, reflect: was that person really there with you?  The wisdom that you need is within you.
          • My inner wisdom/birthday meditation: What do I want to devote the next year of my life to?
            • To ripple.  To have the courage to ripple.  To know myself, and to ripple this knowing.  To have confidence in my innate wisdom.  To ripple confidence.  To ripple wisdom.
            • Dropping the pebble and watching the ripples.
            • The ripples come from the wisdom, and are the wisdom.


    Notes from MARC MAPS III, taught by Diana Winston, May 10, 2018 - June 14, 2018.

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